Opinion: Road to Recovery: Staff writer Bianca Valenzuela shares her experience with depression and how she has learned to manage her moments of darkness.

Depression is ugly. I remember the first time I realized I had to change my life drastically before I let it consume me. I had just found out he cheated again, for the third or fourth time, I had lost count by then. Except this time, he wasn’t begging for me back. He was happy. In his eyes he had found someone better, so what was the point?

I remember sitting in my car in silence. I wondered how I was going to get through this yet again. The first time I found out, he incessantly begged for another chance promising a better future and a better boyfriend. I loved him, and ultimately I wanted that fairy tale happy ending with him. So I stayed.

In retrospect, a normal person would have ran for the hills, but I didn’t. A normal person would have left the second or third time, but I didn’t. So now the question was why did I continue to stay and what did that say about me?

I had already been suffering from depression before this happened, but this drove me over the edge. It started when I graduated from high school. The immediate pressure to find my passion hit me in the face. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. All of my friends went away for college to embark on this new chapter while I was pretty much living the same life I was before. My friends moved into new apartments, while I still lived at home with my parents. My friends were exploring new places and meeting new people while I stayed in my hometown, where there was really nothing new to discover.

My life became mundane. I knew my ultimate goal was to transfer to get the full-college experience everyone else was having, but I still had no idea what career to pursue. Instead of taking the time to figure it out, I spent my time hanging out with my friends and skipping class.

And then he came into my life. My life was no longer a boring routine. I didn’t want to move away and start a new life anymore. I felt like he saved me.

My days were now filled with fun dates, long phone calls and constant attention. He was attractive, successful, we shared the same sense of humor… the list goes on. He checked everything off my list; he was perfect. I was finally happy.

Until one day I wasn’t. The illusion of my perfect boyfriend shattered, as did my self-esteem, my confidence and my overall sense of self.

There were days when I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t function properly. It consumed my thoughts at all times of the day. I felt my mental health deteriorating.

As I sat in my car, I remember looking up to the sky and thinking how great it would be if everything just stopped for a while. If I could just go to sleep for a few years and wake up when life was better, when I was better. I couldn’t handle being cheated on so many times. I had failed as a woman. My life became a constant cycle of self-hatred.

It is completely unrealistic to think life will ever stop for you because it just won’t. I had two choices: I could either wallow in self-pity like I did the last few times, or do something completely drastic to turn my life around.

As I drove off, I blocked out thoughts of my ex with his new girlfriend and replaced them with ways of improving myself. I was never going to question myself ever again.

I remember imagining myself as a broadcast journalist for E! News. Now that would be a cool job. Daydreaming of working in that field excited me. Instead of chasing my ex-boyfriend, I needed to be chasing my dreams.

I made an appointment with my counselor and changed my major. I learned how to study, block off time to do homework, and got my priorities straight. Whenever I sat in my friends’ graduations, I could never imagine them sitting in mine because I had no idea if that was ever going to become reality. Within a year, I’m graduating in June and transferring to Cal State Fullerton in the fall.

You see, you can’t expect people to save you. It’s not their job; it’s yours.

I wouldn’t say I’m completely free from depression because it comes in waves, but now they’re small waves. The ones you feel when you are walking along the shore, not the ones you feel when you’re swimming in the ocean that crash over you and send you underwater. I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore.

I’m taking it one day at a time. I remind myself how far I’ve come and how much more I have to experience. Keeping my room clean, lighting candles, doing face masks and catching up on my favorite television series keep me sane when I’m alone. Spending time with my family and my cat at home reminds me I’m loved. My best friends have been the greatest support system. They believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. I’ve been getting into eating healthy, working out and even tried out a boxing club for first time, something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. It’s the little things that remind me that life is beautiful and that it goes on.